Once upon a time there lived Three Stooges in a kingdom ruled by a queen, otherwise known as a queendom. But eventually, each of them moved away to a republic that had renounced that very same monarchy hundreds of years ago (but which still retained a certain fascination for their descendents).
Now these Three Stooges just so happen to be the authors of this blog — ML Awanohara, Kate Allison, and Anthony Windram. When news of an impending Royal Wedding reached them at The Displaced Nation, one of them, ML, hatched a rather zany scheme of covering the event from their displaced perspectives. Thanks to the new technology, they could do this by tweeting like birds, she said.
So the three of them rose at ungodly hours on April 29, 2011, and recorded their impressions: Kate and Anthony from the point of view as displaced citizens of said queendom, ML as a displaced resident (born in the republic, she had lived in the queendom as a student and retains an inordinate nostalgia for those days).
What follows are some edited highlights from their Dawn Chorus. NOTE: All three would like to offer special thanks to Princess Bea for attempting a Cthulhu imitation. The possibility of perching on her antlers helped to sustain them during the lengthy bits, of which there were several.
ML Awanohara: I can hear many excited voices outside my window here in the East Village. It’s a global event! Kate Allison, what are you wearing?
Kate Allison: What I slept in. Duh. But have contacts in. The contacts not needed to see the size of some of these hats. Sheesh.
ML: You aren’t wearing a hat? I have on my Chinese PJs and a cute little fascinator…
KA: Probably got a NY Yankees hat somewhere. Would that be ok?
ML: So we both watched Charles & Diana 30 years ago, in UK. And now we’re both “displaced,” on US East Coast, watching on TV. Strange!
Anthony Windram: Why on earth am I up at this time? No semblance of sense.
ML: Isn’t it cool that we are all connected like this, watching a quintessential British event?
AW: On CBS, Beth from New York and Jody from Philly came over especially for this. That’s just silly.
KA: Eugenie, or is it Beatrice, is wearing antlers! You cannot look cute in antlers unless you have a glowing nose as well.
ML: Camilla is being criticized for wearing white. I actually think she looks stunning.
KA: Camilla would be criticized whatever she wore. Take no notice, Camilla. Lovely outfit.
AW: Credit where it’s due, this is one of the few events where children cheer an 85-year-old woman.
ML: I have to say, primrose doesn’t suit the Queen. Though I suppose she does match the clergy in that color.
KA: Some bishop’s done a Scarlett O’Hara and nicked the curtains for his dress.
ML: Shut the front door! Kate is on her way!
KA: Little bridesmaids. Utterly cute.
ML: Fashionistas are calling the dress very Gracy Kellyish.
KA: ….ooohhhhh. Gorgeous.
AW: Will Rowan Williams also be wearing Alexander McQueen?
ML: I do like the aerial view. Train looks just the right length for the Abbey.
AW: At what point in the proceedings do they replace Kate Middleton with a shape-shifting lizard?
KA: Not a meringue in sight, to quote Hugh Grant.
AW: Sod the wedding dress, that’s the most beautiful sight: Westminster Abbey.
KA: Poor girl looks terrified!
AW: Why no Rowan Williams? Boo. Oh, wait, here he is. Love a bit of Rowan.
ML: Catty alert, but Kate looks older than Wills, which she is. Too much makeup?
AW: Rowan Williams should narrate audio books. Think he’d be a good fit with some Trollope.
ML: Oh, no! Wills could barely get ring over Kate’s knuckle! Not a good omen…
AW: I always think the Royal Family jumped the shark with the Glorious Revolution.
ML: Must be the aging process, but I don’t find this nearly as moving as 1981.
KA: I think I’m a lapsed royalist coming back to the fold!
ML: Kate, are you serious? We seem to be switching places. I knew that was going to happen.
KA: I am totally serious and today totally British.
ML: Who is representing us Americans btw? Obamas weren’t invited…
KA: Posh and Becks are representing the Americans, obviously.
AW: James Middleton has the eyes of a killer.
ML: The Londonist is keeping a “not the royal wedding” blog: everything happening in the world except for the royal wedding. For instance, there are these dangerous headache-inducing caterpillars in Bournemouth, and the horror flick Insidious opens today.
AW: Those two nuns got great seats — all thanks to Ticketmaster.com.
ML: Fun fact: Today is the “feast” day of St. Catherine of Siena, a famous 14th-century bulimic.
AW: I got up at 2:30 a.m. to listen to a religious service, a Protestant religious service no less. I may crawl back to bed.
ML: No, don’t leave us! Your jokes are keeping me awake!
AW: Oh annoying CBS, don’t start talking as soon as “Jerusalem” starts.
KA: Ah, “Jerusalem.” But of course: can’t beat it if you’re English. Guaranteed to bring anyone back to the fold. … And now the national anthem. ML, this is the original version of that song you guys sing in grade school.
ML: “My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty…”
KA: What, Queen not singing her own tune?
ML: Someone at the New Yorker just tweeted that Westminster is full of bodies (bones?) of kings. Rather macabre.
KA: ML, at the Chapel Royal of St Peter ad Vincula in the Tower of London, they found about 1,800 skeletons underneath. Now that’s macabre.
AW: Nothing more British than the bureaucracy of everyone going to sign the wedding register in the middle of the ceremony.
ML: Just saw the antler hat. Truly bizarre. … Is Princess Anne wearing purple?
AW: So many Union flags. It’s like Rangers at a Scottish Cup final. …
ML: Okay, someone please tell me: it is distance or aging, but I feel like it’s a little flat this time around.
AW: On the basis of that crowd, the world must think the British are a collection of plastic hat wearing morons. In fairness, most of the crowd are Americans. Anglophiles, I’ll never understand you. Give me five minutes with an Anglophile — I’ll soon dampen their enthusiasm for all things English.
ML: They’re showing a pair of older Brits singing “God save the Queen” off key.
AW: Am I meant to feel national pride because a slightly dim, over-privileged couple got hitched? Really? Some mediocre St Andrews grads get to be Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Hurry up and kiss and then I can get back to bed.
ML: What’s going on behind the net curtains on the windows facing out on the famous balcony?
AW: The balcony scenes are always disappointing. They never fall off.
ML: Was that it?!?!?!?!?
AW: No tongue. Duke of Edinburgh seems to making the moves on Pippa. He’s muscling out Harry there.
KA: Someone’s going to drop a small child off that balcony if they’re not careful.
AW: Balcony would be enlivened with some Michael Jackson-style children dangling. I’m thinking the annoying little blonde page.
ML: Well, this has certainly been a stimulating three hours. Time to say cheerio for now? That kiss was such an anticlimax.
KA: Anticlimax? What did you have in mind for them? Royal weddings are G rated.
AW: BBC really are insisting on talking to every nutter they meet.
ML: So, my dears, any parting impressions? Was it worth losing sleep over?
AW: So we’ve learned (or relearned) nobody does annoying and wacky quite like the British. We’ve learned that the Duke of Edinburgh still has it. Pippa needs to watch out at the disco.That CBS felt the need to make half a dozen references to Meet the Fockers. And we learned you can be born into a dim family that lacks intellectual curiosity, be unremarkable, and one day you’ll be king. But the biggest takeaway was the baby Cthulhu that has hatched itself to Princess Beatrice’s forehead.
ML: Beatrice and Eugenie look like how I always imagined Cinderella’s wicked stepsisters.
ML: On TLC just now, American commentators are saying they were disappointed by the kiss. But the crowds in Times Square cheered anyway.
KA: Disappointed by the kiss? What do they want? Video on YouTube a la Pamela Anderson? Puh-leese.
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